Harry Potter and the McTabby Inspired Parodies
by Paper Pearls
Summary: A series of parodies based on and inspired by the weird and wacky summaries executed by McTabby. Featuring a selection of your favourite characters in truly bizarre situations. Don't forget to bring your sense of humour.
1. Nagini's hands?

**This is a series of short parodies inspired by McTabby's Summary Executions and it is dedicated to psycho-pink-faeries in the hope that it will cheer her up.**

**OoOoO**

"_A dark past is revealed. Cho has yet another dream. Nagini plans to take matters into her own hands."_

**OoOoO**

"By the way..." Draco paused for dramatic effect. He pretended not to notice the lack of excitement on the faces of the surrounding Slytherins, his supposedly adoring audience. Pansy fixed an adoring smile to her face. "I have a very dark past. My father raised me in the hope that _I_ would become a Death Eater."

He looked around the hall, bewildered by the lack of response that his announcement had prompted. Students continued to eat their breakfast, chattering about every day topics – which assignments they had failed to complete on time and who had last slept with Lavender Brown. It was almost as though they didn't care. Considering that Draco's announcements about how mysterious and evil he really was, despite the fact that he was yet to do anything serious enough to take him beyond the role of Average School Bully, were becoming a daily aspect of life at Hogwarts, it seemed likely that they found the 'revelation' about as exciting as Professor Binns' lessons.

Draco pouted, realising that he was not, in fact, the centre of attention.

"Really?" With perhaps a little too much enthusiasm, Pansy clapped her hands together in sheer delight. "What was that like?"

Before Draco had time to answer, one of the Weasley twins called out dejectedly:

"For the sake of Merlin's long white beard, tell us something we didn't know."

Taking the invitation literally, a beaming Cho Chang stood up.

"I had a dream last night." Her face crumpled, and she pulled a tissue from her pocket. An awkward silence descended. Beside her, Marietta Edgecombe began mouthing the words as Cho continued to speak. "It – it was about Cedric."

"Nobody cares, Cho." Draco sneered at the Ravenclaw, watching with satisfaction as she sat down. Quickly, he rearranged his features into a suitably sympathetic mask as Cho fell backwards onto the ground in a sobbing heap. He gave up all interest in appearing humane as Pansy hopped up and joined the legion of girl rushing to Cho's side. "Oh, my father is going to hear about this..."

Sure enough, a few hours later, a letter fell into the lap of Lucius Malfoy. He looked to the Dark Lord, uncertain if he ought to open it.

"Go on, Lucius – my plans for restoring purebloods to their rightful place are certainly not as important as anything that could _possibly_ be contained in your letter." His voice was full of sarcasm. The Dark Lord drew breath, about to continue outlining his plan to destroy the inhabitants of the nearest wizarding kennel, when the sound of an envelope tearing reached his ears.

Disbelief was etched onto Voldemort's face, or it would have been if it wasn't an expressionless, snake-like mask. Yaxley's jaw dropped. Wormtail, sensing an approaching conflict, edged away from the table. Narcissa covered her face with both hands, dismayed that her husband had once again managed to do the exact opposite of what their master wanted. There was an uncomfortable pause as Lucius' grey eyes scanned the parchment.

"My son isn't being given the respect due to a Malfoy. I'll have to bribe more than just the Slytherins in order to convince the other students to listen to him." Lucius shook his head disdainfully. "These people... I suppose it's what happens when anything other than wizards and witches of pure blood are allowed into such an establishment -"

"Hang on, Malfoy – did you hear that?" Nagini slithered up the back of the chair and across her master's shoulders like the mass murderer's equivalent of a feather boa.

Lucius fell silent, listening carefully to the snake.

"What?" Unfortunately, he wasn't a Parselmouth, and so the hissing meant nothing to him.

With an exasperated sigh, Voldemort began to translate. Nagini tilted her head forward, beady eyes glistening with malice.

"It was the sound of your own failure not only as a wizard, but as a human being. I know that what we get up to can be fairly controversial, what with the murder and the torture and the prejudice, but interrupting a wizard when he has the floor? That's positively immoral, and I draw the line. If you cross the Dark Lord once more, I'll take matters into my own hands and challenge you to a duel." Voldemort turned to face his snake, confused. "But... you don't have any hands. How can you possibly hold a wand if you don't have any hands?"

Nagini hissed with the serpentine equivalent of frustration.

"I know that I gave Wormtail a hand, but that was a lot simpler because the anatomy of a human being differs greatly from that of a reptile. It doesn't mean that I don't value you as a follower." The closest he could come to compassion was patting her head, but the gesture did not appease the snake.

Again, she hissed. The others ceased trying to follow the conversation.

"What do you mean that you feel demeaned by being described as my follower? I gave you my soul."

**OoOoO**

**Thanks for reading. Please review.**


	2. No Slash!

**OoOoO**

"_A Death Eater meeting. No slash."_

**OoOoO**

"So, we're not going to...?" Incredulous, Snape looked to Lucius Malfoy for confirmation of his worst suspicions.

"Don't be disgusting." Tugging his cape from Snape's hands, Malfoy Senior disapparated, leaving the younger wizard staring hungrily at the space he had vacated. For a moment, it looked as though Severus was crying on the inside although since he only ever sneered, it was difficult to tell.

"Fine! I'm going to give myself to Dumbledore – I can think of _one_ way to make him forgive my sins." With a sinister smile, Snape too disapparated.

**OoOoO**

**Thanks for reading. Please review.**


	3. A Serious Story

**OoOoO**

"_It's another serious fic, about Voldemort's wife and daughter...It seems wimpy, but it's darn exciting!"_

**OoOoO**

It was another regular day in the Riddle household. Tom had returned from a hard day's killing and torture and, ever willing to be accommodating, his wife Chrystaline, who was soft and gentle by nature, had poured him a stiff drink.

"Drink this, my husband." She handed over the tumbler of firewhisky and sat down beside him on the surprisingly mundane sofa.

"Thank you." Voldemort took an appreciative drink and gave his wife a measured look. "Although I am incapable of feeling love, an element of my character that is key to my role as villain in the Harry Potter series, I couldn't live without you. I adore you!"

"Oh, Tom," Chrystaline swooned, her innocent blue eyes brimming with tears. "I do wish that you wouldn't kill and terrorise people. It's not fair on Karma Gwendolyn-Antoinette."

Voldemort sighed, raising a hand to cover his snake-like face.

"It... it tears me apart that our daughter must suffer because of my lust for blood." His face was contorted by anguish and self-loathing. "Whatever will happen to the morals of our little Karma Gwendolyn-Antoinette? She cannot be allowed to follow my example, yet I cannot stop."

At that very moment, as though summoned by a feeble plot device, six year old Karma Gwendolyn-Antoinette flew into the room, her hair (which was bright blue, despite the genetic improbability) streaming behind her. She landed on the floor before her parents. Also, she was actually Hermione Granger, and to avoid a series of tragic and terrible events, her parents convinced the Granger family to adopt her. However, when her super powers manifested following an emotional shock, it had become clear to them that they had to reclaim their child.

"You're not really a killer. In fact, Dumbledore cursed you because he needed a villain to make himself look like the good guy. Really, he's evil and twisted and you're a good man under a curse, which I will now lift."

And with a great deal of drama, Karma Gwendolyn-Antoinette did, allowing her family to live happily ever after.

The end.

**OoOoO**

**Thanks for reading. Please review.**


End file.
